BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
nightlight, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local Cab Company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked, I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her
out into the back yard !"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Strawb]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

he personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to
report to work promptly at 8.30 A.M.

The next day at 8.45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door.

The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about
this new employee.

He says shes incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to factory floor to show
him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee.She has a roll of
the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to
the woman, and says,"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 56-58

SILICONE SKYLINE
7-9 2 PEAS [now I get it ]

SMITHY
DILDOS 7-6

BARRY DAWSON
7-5 WOODEN EYE

BOONEY
7-5 SWITCHED HEADS[YUK]

BAYMAN
0.1 SOUTH ADELAIDE

STRAWBO7
7-5 FRANKSTON
8-0 LIGHT AND HARD oooooooch
7-5 TAXI
7-5 TEST TICKLES

SMAC
8-2 TIMBUKTU very nice format great punchline

MAG80S
8-2 STRIP CLUB yukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
7-3 ON FIRE
8-0 DONT SMOKE only cos its mt79
8-8 SMELL YOUR PUSSY [happened to my mrs in real life at a party]
9-4 SKUNK DIES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA funny
8-4 HUNDRED ROOTS loved it
7-4 DOGGIE
7-4 DOG NEXT RACE 7-4
7-3 WATERMELONMS
7-5 MRS GELLAR
7-3 ICE CREAM
8-7 DO WE HAVE TIME absolute shocker BUT funny
7-8 ACUTE ANGINA
7-8 TWENTY SEVEN STITCHES
7-3 PASS THE PUSSY
7-3 CARMEN
7-5 DINT SCREW UP
7-9 ELEPHANT HOLE

[Lunchcutter]

apologies if this one has been posted...

absolutely hil-hairy-ass




> >>>>> FEMALE COMPASSION
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and
>no
> > >>>>> legs.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The first woman said 'Have you ever had ahug?'
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The third woman came to him and said 'Have you ever been f****d?'
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> The fellow said 'No'
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> She said 'You will be when the tide comes in!'

[silicone skyline]

Two retarded brothers MAL and MT79 go into Centrelink looking to apply for a disablilty pension.
They enter an pension administrators office where he interviews them.
He turns to the first of the brothers and asks:
"So MAL, what skills do you have?"
MAL replies (with a stutter):
"I-I-I sss-ssss-sss-sew the cr-cr-cr-crrrutches in th-th-the ladies kn-kn-knickers."
The employment officer is mildly surprised but turns to his computer anyway, enters the details and turns back to MAL.
"Well MAL, we can offer you a pension of $150 a week."
MAL replies.
"W-w-w-wow, th-th-th-thank you!" and leaves the office.
The administrator then turns to MT79.
"Ok MT79, what skills do you have?"
MT79 replies quickly.
"I-I-I am the d-d-d-diesel f-f-f-fitter."
The administrator is noticably impressed, enters the data in his computer and turns back to MT79.
"Well MT79, with your skills, we can give you $500 a week."
MT79 is ecstatic.
"W-w-w-wow, y-y-y-you will give m-m-m-me $500 a w-w-w-week? F-f-f-fantastic!" and MT79 leaves the office too.
MT79 quickly runs outside to tell MAL the great news.
"Hey M-M-M-Mal, they gonna g-g-g-give me $500 a w-w-w-week!"
Mal is stunned.
"W-w-w-why do they g-g-g-give you $500 a w-w-week? I'm th-th-th-the one who d-d-does all the w-w-w-work, I'm the one wh-wh-wh-who s-s-sews all the c-c-c-crutches in the l-l-ladies knickers! All you d-d-d-do is s-s-stick em on your head and say "Diesel Fitter! Diesel Fitter!"

[Strawb]

LMAO SS classic joke

[RustyCage]

Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER.

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER

20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER.

Final Score 11 BEER/ 8 VAGINA That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against. Just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. Two extra points for BEER!!!

[silicone skyline]

MAL is out walking one day when he meets MT79 in the street.
The two strike up a conversation.
"Hey MT79, did you know i bought a race horse?" Mal asks
"No, i didn't," MT79 replied.
"Yeah, it's called 'My Face'," Mal said excitedly.
"No kidding?" MT79 says in disbelief.
"Man, i can't wait for spring, when it's galloping down the home straight, and all the women are up on the fence screaming "Come on My Face, Come on My Face!"

[RustyCage]

MAL is out walking one day when he meets MT79 in the street.
The two strike up a conversation.
"Hey MT79, did you know i bought a race horse?" Mal asks
"No, i didn't," MT79 replied.
"Yeah, it's called 'My Face'," Mal said excitedly.
"No kidding?" MT79 says in disbelief.
"Man, i can't wait for spring, when it's galloping down the home straight, and all the women are up on the fence screaming "Come on My Face, Come on My Face!"

You could use it as a pick up line! "hey there, would you like a ride on My Face?"

[mal]

16/08/07
30 years since Elvis passed away
People say that MT79 looks like Elvis ......
Thirty seconds before he died

Ironically ELVIS is an anagram for LIVES

[magpie in the 80's]

On a farm out in the Country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the COW!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went to the doctor's office to get a doubledose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a doubledose. "Why not?" MAL.

Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said MAL.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

MAL said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I must have a double dose." says MAL.

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, MAL dragged himself in; his right am in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
MAL said, "NO ONE SHOWED UP!!!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

A little girl asked her Mum, “Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat." What does that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said..... "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another DOG IS PUSHING HER HOME!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the
sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is pulled by her dog and cat.

MAL takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," MAL says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. MAL notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

"Little partner," says MAL, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you would go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but, then I WOULDN'T HAVE A SIREN!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

There were two men MAL and BAYMAN riding in a boat fishing. they both have to take a sh..t really bad so they row over to the side, and MAL goes and does his business. After about five minutes he comes back.

BAYMAN asks hey MAL, what did you wipe your ass with. MAL asks you got a dollar? BAYMAN says yeah, MAL says just use that.

So BAYMAN goes and after a while he comes back with a mean ass look on his face. MAL asks whats wrong. BAYMAN says thanks to you i have 5 TWENTY CENT PIECES STUCK UP MY ASS AND SH..T ALL OVER MY HANDS!!!!!!:

[magpie in the 80's]

At a local college, there was a dance.

MAL from Australia asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In Australia, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, MAL gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In Australia, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, MAL takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In Ausrarlia, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, BUT WE USUALLY PUT MORE MEAT IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Rafferty.

"Top o' the mornin' to ye," said the Father, "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied "Aye, that ye did, Father."

"And be there any wee ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan said.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye."

"Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?"

"Oh, yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in all."

"Aye, that's wonderful!" he said. "And how is your luvely husband?"

"Oh," she said. "E's gone to Rome to BLOW OUT YER CANDLE!!!!!!!!! ."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

MAL'S wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

MAL said," You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

MAL'S wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

MALreplies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"!!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

Maude and MAL, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in their social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, MAL asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and despite his age, MAL was still a charmer. Afterward MAL asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no barrier Maude soon joined MAL for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the after glow of the magic moment they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

MAL was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my PANTYHOSE!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was celebrating 90 years on this Earth. He spoke To his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 90 today.

Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 90 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the arade?

Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, MAL looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, IF YOU WERE ALIVE TODAY YOU WOULD BE 90!!!!!!"