BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[mal]

ECKY hails a taxi and the driver is KAYEFF
" GREAT DRIVER PERFECT TIMING."
" You know something when you say perfect timing you remind me of MAL."
" WHO."
" Mal Zooner, a most amazing individual."
A short time elapses and Ecky wants to stimulate some discussion."
" DRIVER THE TRAFFIC IS HORRENDOUS TODAY."
" Sure is sir, I always get trapped, unlike Mal who knows all the short cuts."
" DRIVER DO YOU FOLLOW THE FOOTBALL?."
" Nah but Mal does and when on song would pick about 25 winners in a row."
" YEAH OK , DRIVER DO YOU FOLLOW THE TROTS?"
" Occasionally, Mal does, you know he started with $5k and made a Million dollars once."
" DRIVER DO YOU PLAY CRICKET ?"
" Used to but was very ordinary, but Mal was a great batsman who averaged 128
with the bat and 11 with the ball, what a player.
Ecky was getting a bit pissed off with this Mal person.
" DRIVER HAVE YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND ?"
" No sir Im just an average guy, women dont look at me, but Mal was unbelieveable
with women, he bedded a different woman every night when single, then once he
got married he was faithful and never cheated on his wife, what a guy that Mal."
" IS THIS THE ONLY WORK YOU DO DRIVER ?"
" Yes sir, i cant do much else, unlike Mal Zoomer he had the midas touch, he
was brilliant with his hands, could build anything, made great finance decisions
for all his employers, later he went into business and made a fortune, what a man."
" HE IS AN AMAZING FELLOW THIS MAL ,HOW DID YOU MEET HIM ?"
" Well to tell you the truth sir, Ive never met the man."
" WELL DRIVER HOW THE F..K DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HIM ????."
" I married his f.....g widow!."

[Mr66]

Rumour has it that Neil Diamond and The Sex Pistols cut a song together
in 1977.
It was called 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers....You C$%@'

[Mr66]

What is small, pink and seven dents in it?


Snow White's hymen.

[mal]

LATEST RATINGS
----------------

JOHN THE CLARET
------------------

FCS MONDAY 8-0 not a joke but liked the response

SMAC
------

AMERICAN COURTS 7-5


CP
---

TESCOS 7-5


SMITHY
--------

2 GUYS PISSING 7-5
MAILMAN DEAD 7-9 [nearly an 8]

THIELE
------

HARVEY NORMANS 7-8


SPOGGY OF THE 80S
---------------------

BAD HABITS 8-1 brilliant
51 DAYS 7-5 [better if you use BAYMAN in the joke]
BAD LUCK 7-5
LOFT 8-3 quite possibly the best golf joke ive read
GOODWILL HELPERS 7-4
FISHING BOAT 7-3
CASE DISMISSED 7-3
GOLDEN URINALS 7-7
CHARGED $50 7-7
DATING SUSAN 7-6
DU8CKS 7-3
JUST MARRIED 8-0 ha ha you FCP


STRAWB07
----------

BUSINESS 7-7
JEWELRY 7-9 [the truth hurts]

MR66
------

DIAMOND/PISTOLS 7-4
SNOW WHITES HYMEN no comment as per PM

Good work lads
LOFT was the best by spoggyboy
MR66 lift your game

40924 VIEWS

[mal]

My turn

MR66 = MR666

[Mr66]

A woman went to her doctor.
"Doctor, my vagina is playing 'Good Old Collingwood forever' all the time.
What shall I do?"
"I wouldn't worry about that, every c&%# is singing that tune these days"

[mal]

A woman went to her doctor.
"Doctor, my vagina is playing 'Good Old Collingwood forever' all the time.
What shall I do?"
"I wouldn't worry about that, every c&%# is singing that tune these days"

MR666
thats more like it
rating 7-9

[mal]

RATINGS PAGE 54[oops I missed these]

ALL SPOGGY IN THE 80S GAGS

7-5 CARNATION
8-5 WIFE/HUSBAND Best list of jokes ive ever read, norMALly lists bore me
7-3 BRA
8-3 NAILS ARE DRY so so funny
7-7 HAIR GROWTH
7-5 SHAVING

Great work Magpie

[bayman]

at the moment the best joke would be south adelaide

[mal]

MAL and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesday's,and I go on Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in adelaide and mine is in melbourne.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman............
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?............... Because they wants to !!!!!

I liked in order 1-8-14

One more for your list spoggy

MALs wife came home after a promotion at work
" MAL CAN WE CELEBRATE CAN YOU TAKE ME SOMEWHERE VERY VERY VERY EXPENSIVE TO EAT"
MAL took her to a service station

[mal]

MAL'S 4 important rules in finding a good woman.

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!!!!!

You must have read my diaries when I was single !!!
RATING 7-7
I forgot this on the ratings

[Booney]

Why is the gap between a woman's hips and chest called a waist?

They could have easily fit another set of tits there.What a waste.

[Mr66]

Why is the gap between a woman's hips and chest called a waist?

They could have easily fit another set of tits there.What a waste.

Cue JAS!

[Baron Greenback]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

[silicone skyline]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

GOLD BD.
Simple. Gold

[mal]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

GOLD BD.
Simple. Gold

Agree

Yours was funny as well Booney

[Strawb]

why don't you eat snags at a poof's BBQ

They all taste like shite

[mal]

Punk Rooster and Wedgie went fishing and camping all last weekend
They arrived Friday evening
They caught some fish and were cooking them on the Saturday
Punk on the Saturday said to Wedgie
" YOU KNOW SOMETHING WEDGIE WEST ADELAIDE LOST AGAIN TODAY."
" Punky how the f..k do you know Westies got beaten, we have no radios + communication at all so how the f..k do you know that ?
" ITS A QUARTER TO FIVE WEDGIE...."

[mighty_tiger_79]

thats -8.5 MAL