BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

MAL has a stuttering problem and tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a
world-renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines MAL and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

"Wa-wa-wa-what's the c-c-c-cure, d-d-d-doctor?" asks MAL.

"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.

MAL thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.

The operation is a success, and MAL stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on.

Not hearing anything on other end of the line, MAL repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "F-F-F-f*** YOU!!!!!!"

f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-funny

[mal]

MAL being a professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband MAL"

When MAL arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear MAL: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Hyatt Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. "DON'T WAIT UP!!!!"

Sums it up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mal]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and "poof" she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and "poof" she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He
hands it back to her and says,... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by l,900 men in 6 months."

Clever and funny

[mal]

BAYMAN had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, BAYMAN made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on
their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, BAYMAN even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had alwaysloved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and made passionate love all night long.

Upon waking, BAYMAN and his new wife was ravenous so BAYMAN called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "MAKE THAT FIVE!!!!!"

This is almost real life stuff
The joke was hillarious as well

[mal]

BAYMAN had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, BAYMAN made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on
their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, BAYMAN even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had alwaysloved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and made passionate love all night long.

Upon waking, BAYMAN and his new wife was ravenous so BAYMAN called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "MAKE THAT FIVE!!!!!"

This is almost real life stuff
The joke was hillarious as well

_______________________________________________________________
Thats jokes pages 41-50
There was not that many because a few pages were quoting best jokes
from pages 1-50
Some fantasitic jokes on the first 50 pages
Im sure there will be plenty more pages 50-100
_______________________________________________________________

[mal]

LATEST RATINGS PAGES 50-53

THE RIDDLER
------------

contagious 8-4 brilliant

STRAWB07
------------

school sports 7-8
police jokes 8-3 [liked all three of them, c..t on a back best] very funny trifecta
kick in face 7-5
dead branch 7-4
questions 7-3
satan 7-7

MAGPIE IN THE 80'S
---------------------
sarah + jack 7-5
toilet paper 8-4 [male chauvo ripper]
fathead 8-9 still laughing
typewriter 7-3
hard on 7-7
santa 7-5
kylie/wallet 8-0 funny
going down 8-0 sick sick sick
viagra 8-0 ha ha
dinner warm 706
cheeses and onion 8-1 sick
penis breath 7-5
dentist 8-4 brilliant, fooled me
dead pussy 7-5
condom fence 7-4
swollen dick 8-0 funny
numb penis 7-8
closet 7-4
rocking chair 8-3 pissed myself laughing
no choc. 7-8
buttered corn 8-2 yuk
tight pussy 8-7 exteremely fanny i mean funny
monkey 7-5
apples 7-4
baymans name ************9-2**********applicable, all time ripper
good work M80

PAFC
-------

glenelg supporters 7-9 [nearly]

SMITHY
-------

traffic policeman 8-5 sensational, your best one

FALCON CHICK
----------------

virgins 7-8
dogs marraige 7-6
bingo 7-8
juan on juan 7-8

all nearly very good FC

LUNCHCUTTER
---------------
midget 8-2 great work sweetheart

An exceptionally good batch of gags
The one about Bayman and the motor bike, still laughing

[mal]

I will never ever forget the day I went to Baymans place and he was doing a jigsaw puzzle.
With great exhuberance Bayman said :
" MAL IM F.....G CLEVER I FINISHED THE JIGSAW PUZZLE."
" Bayman whats so clever about that theres only about 50 pieces!"
" MAL IT ONLY TOOK ME 6 MONTHS TO PIECE IT TOGETHER."
" Bayman you idiot , thats not clever at all."
" YES IT IS MAL. LOOK IT SAYS 2-3 YEARS ON THE PACKET."

[mal]

Stopped at a fast food joint last week and saw a sign FAT FREE FRENCH FRIES
Because I am on the weight loss challenge I decided to order some.
To my shock the guy behind the counter pulled out a basket of fries from the fryer which was dripping with fat.
" HANG ON MATE IM NOT PAYING FOR THOSE FRIES THEY ARENT FAT FREE."
The proprietor ignored me and bagged up those ******* disgusting fries.
" HEY MISTER I SAID I AINT PAYING FOR THOSE FRIES THEY AINT FAT FREE."
" Yes they are, we only charge for the potatoes pal, the fat is free !."

[mal]

KAYEFF was driving his cab, was running a call late, lost control and lobbed onto a frontyard
and ran over a cat and it died.
The distraught owner was hysterical.
" IM SORRY MADAM CAN I REPLACE THE CAT?"
" F..k off driver you cant catch mice."

[mal]

DUTCHY picked up a broad one night and they lobbed in the back seat of his car.
After a couple of minutes of foreplay she responds.
" DUTCHY DUTCHY PLEASE GIVE ME 12 INCHES AND MAKE ME BLEED."
So DUTCHY f....d her 13 times and punched her in the nose.

[Dutchy]

DUTCHY picked up a broad one night and they lobbed in the back seat of his car.
After a couple of minutes of foreplay she responds.
" DUTCHY DUTCHY PLEASE GIVE ME 12 INCHES AND MAKE ME BLEED."
So DUTCHY f....d her 13 times and punched her in the nose.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's back!!!

[johntheclaret]

FALCON CHICK
----------------

virgins 7-8
dogs marraige 7-6
bingo 7-8
juan on juan 7-8

all nearly very good FC

For a minute I thought htis was FC's Monday - Thusday early evening entertainment

[smac]

This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and is things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[mal]

SMAC
the 2nd was was funny about the gear
the very last Lawyer one was very funny

[JK]

Email I received yesterday, a few people could relate to this, some gems in here (apologies if previously posted):

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband
or boyfriend along shopping:

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer
in Oxford :

"Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified
by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages
and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager"

[Strawb]

Email I received yesterday, a few people could relate to this, some gems in here (apologies if previously posted):

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband
or boyfriend along shopping:

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer
in Oxford :

"Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified
by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages
and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager"

The scary thing is i have done half of if not most of them in my life time.

[smithy]

Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day.
Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"

[smithy]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

[bayman]

after being at unley today i'd have to say the best joke is south adelaide

[Thiele]

West Adelaide new nickname the Harvey Normans no interests for 12 months that is from my dad