BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

one day LITTLE MAL decided to get some of his stuff out of his parents closet. not knowing LITTLE MAL was in the closet his mother brought her lover into the room where they began to have sex, so LITTLE MAL remained hidden in the closet.

hearing her husband come in the front door she made her lover hide in the closet." hello,sure is dark in here", said LITTLE MAL "what are you doing in here asked the lover? " "i have a baseball, wanna by it?" "no" says the lover "well you know my dad is down stairs" thinking the boy may tell his father about the affair he askes how much. "1,000 bucks" says LITTLE MAL." fine i’ll buy it" says the lover.

the next day LITTLE MAL hides in the closet again while his mother brings in her lover. again her husband comes home early so she hides her lover in the closet. "sure is dark in here, you know i have a baseball glove, wanna buy it?" thinking the boy may tell his father he asks " how much?" "1,000" says LITTLE MAL" "i’ll buy it" says the lover.

that night at dinner his father asked him to go get his glove so they could toss the ball around. " i cant do that because i sold it to my friends" says LITTLE MAL " how much did you sell it for " asks the father "2,000 bucks" replies LITTLE MAL " WHAT, how could you take advantage of your friends like that? tomorrow you are going to church to confess" the next day when LITTLE MAL entered the confessional he sat down and the priest asked him to confess. LITTLE MAL said " SURE IS DARK IN HERE!!!"

and the preist said " OH, DONT START THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you’re wanting; for $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple moments starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man with a satisfied smirk.

"GET SERIOUS" she finally says, "I WANT 4 TIMES IN THE ROCKING CHAIR!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 walks into an ice cream shop and says "hey, i’d like a pint of strawberry, gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of chocolate" MAL behind the counter says "MT we don’t have any chocolate" MT says "ok, well then give me a pint of strawberry, a pint of vanilla and a gallon of chocolate. MAL behind the counter says again "MT, there’s no chocolate" MT says "oh right, um, then give me a pint of strawberry, a pint of vanilla and a pint of chocolate" MAL behind the counter is getting pissed.

He asks "MT what do you get when you take the va out of vanilla?" MT says "umm, nilla, nilla thats it" then MAL behind the counter says "ok, now what do you get when you take the straw out of strawberry?" MT says "you get berry" MAL behind the counter says "great, now what do you get when you take the f..ck out of chocolate? " MT pauses for a moment and then says "there’s no F..CK in chocolate" then MAL says "yeh thats what i’ve been trying to tell you, "THERE’S NO F...CKING CHOCOLATE!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

BAYMAN tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you **** me."

BAYMAN replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

MAL wants to live and agree's to do the deed. MAL and the women enter the shack, leaving BAYMAN outside.

The women says, "f....ck me then!"

MAL agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, f...cks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. MAL agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give MAL and BAYMAN some water.

MAL calls his friend BAYMAN in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

BAYMAN replies, "F...ck the water, I WANT SOME MORE OF THAT BUTTERED CORN!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him. The barman comes over, looks at the three rather curiously, and asks "What'll it be"", to which MAL replies "Well, I'll have a pint" and, turning to the ostrich "what do you want?" "I'll have a pint as well" replies the ostrich. MAL looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?", to which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't f...ckin' paying!".

The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three dollars forty please". To the barman's surprise MAL puts his hand in his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly $3.40 in loose change, which he puts on the bar.

A while later the same thing happens. MAL, the ostrich and the small cat come back to the bar. "I'll have pint" says MAL, "I'll have a pint says the ostrich", "and I'll have a half, but I ain't f...ckin paying" says the cat.

"That'll be three dollars forty" says the barman, and again MAL puts his hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly $3.40.

This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman. Finally, as last orders are rung, MAL, the ostrich and the cat come back to the bar. "Well" says MAL "its last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch", and turning to the ostrich "what
do you want?" "I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich. Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him, MAL says "and I suppose you want something as well?" "I'll have a small scotch says the cat, but I ain't f....ckin' paying'".

The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to MAL, with a sly grin on his face, that'll be seven dollars twenty please"
To his amazement and disbelief MAL puts his hand in his pocket,feels about and pulls out exactly $7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their drinks and are about to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me sir, but before you leave there is something I must know.....how do you always manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket, every time?"

"Well" says MAL, "its a long story, but basically several years ago I looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out the attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?".

"Well," says MAL, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right money will always be there".

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a million dollars or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you want".

"Oh yes" says the MAL, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to buy a pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls Royce the exact money will be there too!".

As MAL turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "one last thing sir, your friends... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here" to which MAL looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst thing I ever did... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I asked for A BIRD WITH LONG LEGS AND A TIGHT PUSSY!!!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

MAL sitting next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

MAL sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," MAL said. "HERE, LET ME HOLD YOUR MONKEY!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

MAL goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So MAL takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. MAL bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" MAL says, "These apples are great - give me some!"

MAL gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

MAL takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" MAL then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it." MAL bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again MAL says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then MAL gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." MAL really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

MAL takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "TURN IT AROUND!!!!!!"

[RustyCage]

A young girl goes up to her mother one day and asks "Mommy, is it true that you can get pregnant through anal sex?"

The mother replies, "Of course you can, where do you think Glenelg supporters come from?"

[mal]

How long does it take a Glenelg feMALe barracker to have a shit ?

>>> nine months......


Whats an abortion clinic in Elizabeth ?
>>>SA Crimestoppers

_____________________________________________________________

Please note no disrespect to Glenelg Or Centrals barrackers

[magpie in the 80's]

Another story about how BAYMAN got his name

When BAYMAN was a young lad of 18 his dad asked him
" SON ARE YOU STILL A VIRGIN. "
" Yes I am still a virgin daddy."
" SON IVE ARRANGED FOR SOME OF THE GLENELG FOOTBALLERS TO
TAKE YOU TO THE BAY DISCO ON SUNDAY NIGHT YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY."

The following Monday Dad wakes up BAYMAN and asks
" SON DIDJA GET LAYED LAST NIGHT."
" yep sure did daddy."
" SON IM PROUD OF YOU , NOW COME OUT TO THE SHED IVE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU."

Dad and BAYMAN walk into the shed.
" SEE THAT MOTOR BIKE SON, THATS YOURS FOR BECOMING A MAN LAST NIGHT."
" Dad I dont want the motorbike."
" SON ITS WHAT YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED, AND A PRESENT FOR BREAKING YOUR VIRGINITY."
" Dad i dont want it."
" WHY NOT SON ?"
" Dad my arse is too sore."

The legend of BAYMAN arose.
PS He still hangs around Glenelg footballers...........

[mal]

Another story about how BAYMAN got his name

When BAYMAN was a young lad of 18 his dad asked him
" SON ARE YOU STILL A VIRGIN. "
" Yes I am still a virgin daddy."
" SON IVE ARRANGED FOR SOME OF THE GLENELG FOOTBALLERS TO
TAKE YOU TO THE BAY DISCO ON SUNDAY NIGHT YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY."

The following Monday Dad wakes up BAYMAN and asks
" SON DIDJA GET LAYED LAST NIGHT."
" yep sure did daddy."
" SON IM PROUD OF YOU , NOW COME OUT TO THE SHED IVE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU."

Dad and BAYMAN walk into the shed.
" SEE THAT MOTOR BIKE SON, THATS YOURS FOR BECOMING A MAN LAST NIGHT."
" Dad I dont want the motorbike."
" SON ITS WHAT YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED, AND A PRESENT FOR BREAKING YOUR VIRGINITY."
" Dad i dont want it."
" WHY NOT SON ?"
" Dad my arse is too sore."

The legend of BAYMAN arose.
PS He still hangs around Glenelg footballers...........

LMAO 9-2 CLASSIC

[smithy]

A police officer pulls a bloke over and has the following exchange .

Officer:
May i see your license?

Driver:
I dont have one . I had it suspended for speeding

Officer
May i see the registration for the vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car.I stole it

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver
Thats right.But come to think of it,I think I saw the
registration in the glove box when i was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There is a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes mate. Thats where i put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?!?!

Driver:
Yes,mate

Hearing this,the officer immediatley called his back up.The car
was quickly surrounded by police,and the captain approached
the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir,can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure.here it is.
It was valid

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine,officer.Here's the rego papers.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there is a
gun in it?

Driver:
Yes Sir,but there's no gun in it
Sure enough,there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a
body in it.

Driver:
No problem.
---Boot is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didnt have a license,stole the car,had a gun in the glove box,and
that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver:
Yeah,I'll bet the lying bastard told you i was speeding ,as well

[Footy Chick]

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

[magpie in the 80's]

another selection of "MAL'S MOMENTS"

Who wants to be a millionaire had Eddie Mcguire as a contestant.
Eddie was on his first question ;
The Quizmaster was Andrew Demetriou.
" Eddie here is a baby photo of a Collingwood footballer, do you know who it is ?"
" I am certain it is Nathan Buckley but can I make the phone call."
Eddie rang Mick Malthouse who had the photo faxed to him.
Mick insists that it is Alan Didak.
After considerable time Eddie makes his decision.
" I reckon its still gotta be Nathan Buckley it's a spitting image of him."
The drum rolls , the excitement is electric and the answer;
" Im sorry Eddie it's not Nathan and your done now."
" Before I go Andrew, what was the correct answer, its killing me ?"
" It was Leon Davis."
reminds me of michael jackson's song don't matter if it's black or white MAL

A wealthy lawyer is being driven in his limo when he sees
2 men on the side of the road eating grass.
" Why are you eating the grass mate?"
" Im very poor , got no money and Im really hungry."
" Get in the car mate, come back to my place and I will give you a good feed."
" Thank you , can I bring my wife and 2 kids, they are under that tree."
" Yeah mate no probs."
The lawyer approached the 2nd man.
" Are you eating the grass for the same reasons?"
" Yes I am."
" You can come over my joint for a feed as well."
" Can I bring my wife and 3 kids as well?"
" No prob mate, bring them along.
They all sqeezed into the car.
One of the men said;
" Sir you are so kind, thank you for taking all of us."
" Nah mate Im glad to do it, and youll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high."
no wonder he's a WEALTHY lawyer MAL

Why does Hewitt wear his tennis cap backwards ???
So Edwards wont get sunburnt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
beautifully CAPPED off MAL

A young lad screwed Elle one night on the top of the AMP building in Adelaide.
He stood proud and tall and as he did up his fly he told Elle,
" Im gunna tell all me mates I screwed the famoue Elle."
Elle was mad and pushed the young lad off the building, and he yelled out.
" F.....g ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE."
Splat.
this ennnnnnnnnds with a nice punchline MAL


Whats Yoko Ono and Somalia have in common ?
Both living off dead beatles.
sick MAL just sick

What do you call a man with a half inch penis ?
Justin
2 inches and we call him MT79 right MAL


Punk in a frenzied romp rooted this sheila one night.
As they adjusted their clothes after the quickie in the back seat Punk whispers
" If I knew you were a virgin I would have taken more time."
" And yeah Punk If I knew you had more time, I would have taken off my knickers."
another funny 1st time joke


Me and Bayman were at the Bay Disco many years ago in our single days.
A girl walked past us and said.
" Hi Mal hi Bayman."
It was a shiela called Carol.
I said to Bayman, " How do you know Carol."
A proud Bayman responds,
" Mal,you know me, about 6 months ago I slept with her, how does she know you?"
" Well I never slept with her Bayman, she wouldnt let me sleep!"
one up on the great BAYMAN


What do you call a beautiful looking woman on Baymans arm?
A tatoo
better make that TWO

that's pages 11 to 20 of MAL'S MOMENTS

[Lunchcutter]

My dh last night came home and informed me that he had a small bingle going round a round a bout on the way to the office this morning... he reckons this real tiny bloke rear ends him, jumps out of his car and comes racing up to my dh's car shaking his fist in the air..... dh gets a little freaked out by the sight of this very small man (almost midget) racing up to the back of his car... "im not happy" says the little dude to which my dh replied "well, which one are you then?"....

[mal]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT79 are walking down the beach ...when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well, MT79 goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"

MT79 freaks and runs away. So BAYMAN goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when she says "What will we name the child?" BAYMAN freaks out also and runs away.

mean while MAL has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? MAL ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.

Finally MAL finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. MAL turns to the girl and says, "IF HE GETS OUT OF THAT, WE'LL CALL HIM HOUDINI!!!!!"

MY FAVOURITES PAGES 41-50

This joke stands the test of time and a favourite of mine, clean and clever [the joke not Magpie]

[mal]

A woman finds a magic lamp. She rubs the lamp and the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of the lamp I will grant you 3 wishes"

The woman replies " I only have 1 wish genie, I want the perfect man. A man who won’t hit me, a man who won’t leave me and of course give me the best sex I’ve ever had". The genie says "your wish is granted at noon tomorrow your perfect man will arrive".

The woman is very excited and could hardly wait but just as the genie said noon the next day her doorbell rang. She jumped up, raced to the door opened the door and to her surprise there was a man lying on the ground with no arms or legs. The woman said "what the hell is this, I asked for the perfect man not cripple who are you".

The man replied "I am your perfect man I have no arms so I can’t hit I have no legs so I can’t leave you" she said "what about the best sex I’ve ever had" he said "WHAT DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL WITH!!!!!!".

Absolute superdooper, a real mans joke
One of the very best on Best Jokes, another spoggy classic

[mal]

This morning, on the way to work,I rear-ended a car at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway, the fella driving got out.......and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well which one are you, then?"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha
Such a 'dopey' joke I had to laugh

[mal]

It was entertainment night at the Old folks home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The old fogies became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean the room

This was building building building and the punchline made the gag
The FC produces a classical archival gem

[mal]

MAL and his wife had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy
godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally MAL'S wife wanted for her and MAL to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the MAL'S turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. MAL paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! MAL WAS NOW A 90 YEAR OLD!!!!!

Simply brilliant