BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[magpie in the 80's]

since our mate MAL is reaquainting himself with the best jokes over the past year, i would do the same with HIS contributions

The doctor calls in Jack with some good news and bad news.
" Give us the bad news first doc."
" I'm sorry Jack but you have cancer and you only have about 2 weeks to live."
" Shit doc what's the good news then."
" Come over look here, see my secretary that petite women with
that tight little mini skirt."
" Yeah."
" With those lovely firm boobs."
" Oh yeah oh yeah."
" The one that's smiling over here now."
" Yes doc tell me the good news quick quick."
" I'm rooting her Jack."

"a nice little joke to start the proceedings"

What's the difference between Cholesterol and Fat?
Have you ever woken up with a Cholesterol !

as duncs7 said "that's the spirit NOW your getting better!!"

Crows recruited Carey.
Power could not.
Can you imagine the half forwrd line for the power back then

CAREY LADE STEVENS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like this one very creative MAL

A guy was walking past a building and read a sign
'Climb the ladder to success.'
He climbed up the stairs to the top of the building
and found a old pensioner naked with a hard on.
The guy was bemused and asked the pensioner
" Who the f..k are you?''
" Oh hi i'm Cess."

another SUCKsessful joke MAL

Whats the difference between a greyhound and a catholic priest?
The greyhound will at least wait until the hare comes out!

not if he's BOXED in MAL

A taxi driver picks up a little kid who is bruised and battered and crying.
" Whats a matter kid?"
" Ive been beaten up."
" Can I take you to your mums?"
" Nah she beats me as well."
" Can I take you to your dads?"
" Nah he beats me as well."
The taxi driver made an instantaneous decision and drove the kid to Unley oval.
" Kid you'll be safe here."
" But driver this is the Sturt Football club, why here?"
" Kid ya safe, they dont beat anyone here."

oh how time has changed MAL

a taxi driver walked into a bar and ordered 6 whiskeys,
the barman asked,
" Why the 6 whiskeys driver?"
" Got me first blow job in a taxi tonight."
" Congratulations, can I buy you a beer after?"
" Nah mate if the whiskey's dont get the taste outa my mouth, nothing will.

6 drinks would blow anyone over MAL

Tiger was at the Bay Disco and a babe latched onto him.
Tiger and the babe left for her flat soon after.
Driving was difficult as she kissed him on the neck and kept grabbing his knob.
Tiger repeatedly told her to conTROLL herself, but she was too horny.
Eventually they arrived in the driveway and as he turned off the ignition, she
took off her dress and ripped his shirt off and yanked his pants down.
She yelled out " Please please kiss me where it smells."
Tiger reversed out and took her to the Wingfield dump!

always doing what a woman wants. niceone MAL

that's pages 1 to 10 of "MAL'S MOMENTS"

[mal]

Thanks for the ratings Magpie.

A salesman visited a farm on business and was stunned to see a 3 legged pig running around.
" MR MCDONALD WHY HAS YOUR PIG ONLY GOT 3 LEGS ?"
" Well one day my youngest daughter fell in the creek and was drowning and the pig jumped in and saved her life."
" VERY COMMENDABLE MR MAC BUT TELL ME WHY HAS THE PIG ONLY GOT 3 LEGS ?"
" You know that storm we had last week, well the fences were destroyed and all the sheep escaped, the next day the pig herded all the sheep back in saved me a fortune."
" YEAH OK MR MAC, BUT HOW COME THE PIG HAS ONLY GOT 3 LEGS ?"
" Yesterday the barn caught fire my wife was trapped and the pig dragged her out to safety, he saved her life."
" FOR F..KS SAKE MR MAC WHY HAS THE PIG ONLY GOT 3 LEGS."
" Listen dickhead if you had a pig that f.....g good would you eat him all at once !!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

MAL was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. MAL follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "CAN YOU JACK OFF CAUSE I'VE GOT A HEADACHE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife comes home from work one day and tells MAL.
"Honey i think i want to get a breast inhancement".

To which MAL replies .

"why dont you just get toilet paper and rub it between your tits a few times a day ?"
Confused she askes how will that make my titties bigger?

MAL replies "well i dunno how it works"
"BUT IT SURE WORKED ON YOUR ASS!!!!!!!! "

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, his wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. MAL says "I’ll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

MAL then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I’ll tell you why," says MAL. "There’s really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That’s mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.
Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until "FAT HEAD" here came along.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day MAL told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already WROTE THE LETTER BY HAND!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL picked up his date last Saturday. As she got into the car I really noticed how provocatably sexy she was dressed.

When I got into the drivers seat she opened the conversation by saying "Gee, you smell great tonight, what have you got on?

Dazed by her beauty, MAL replied, "I'VE GOT A HARD-ON BUT I DID'NT KNOW YOU COULD SMELL IT!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

’Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I’ll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, THE BEST THING ABOUT SEX IS IT NEVER RUNS OUT!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was being interviewed by RAY MARTIN, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Kylie said, "MAL, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, MAL says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". MAL sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

Then MAL says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "MAL, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" MAL replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she STOLE MY WALLET!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S best friend BAYMAN made a house call one Sunday afternoon and upon hearing that MAL wasn’t home , he attempted to make small talk with MAL'S wife.

" MRS. MAL , when you and MAL make love , and he’s goin down on you , have you ever pissed right on his face ? "

" What !! Are you f....cking kidding me BAYMAN ? " MRS.MAL replied , " That’s disgusting , absolutely not !!!

BAYMAN replies " WELL HE LET'S ME!!!!! "

[magpie in the 80's]

Two elderly men MAL and BAYMAN were talking about Viagra. BAYMAN had never heard of it and asked MAL what it was for.

"It’s the greatest invention ever," MAL said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30."

"Can you get it over the counter? asks BAYMAN"

"Probably" MAL says "IF I TOOK 2!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

SCD and his wife just come back from there honeymoon.

Morning comes and SCD has a wash shave clean etc and runs down the stairs and finds his newly wedded wife crying in the kitchen!

SCD: "whats the matter with you darling?"

wife: "i wanted to cook you a surprise breakfast but i can’t cook!"

SCD: "aww Dont worry we can still have breakfast in bed"

so SCD takes her to bed, and they both get stuck into having sex. Lunch time comes and its the same situation again, so SCD takes his wife to bed again and get stuck into having sex. later that evening when SCD returns back home he finds his wife all naked.... running up the stairs and sliding down the banister (with both legs apart) he watches her do this 3 or 4 times.

SCD asks "darling what the hell are you doing?"

wife says "I'M JUST KEEPING YOUR DINNER WARM!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One night MAL brings some flavoured condoms home for his wife.

OooH - she says - looking at them, strawberry flavour, orange flavour, vanilla flavour! There are loads, we must try some of these out tonight

Later that night - MAL and his wife are in bed and MRS.MAL goes beneath the bedsheets and starts sucking MAL off

Oooh she says, lovely - cheese and onion flavour

"I HAV'NT F...CKING WELL PUT ONE ON YET LOVE!!!!!" says MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

Penis breath, a lover’s dread.
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasent as it tends to be.
Be grateful that he doesn’t pee.
It’s times like this you wonder why.
You bother reaching for his fly.
But it’s too late, can’t be a tease.
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you’ve got a job to do.
So open up and shove it through.
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don’t drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your tonge.
And feel the precum start to run.
So when the ****’s he gonna cum.
Just when you can’t take anymore.
Your hear your lover’s mighty roar.
And when he hit’s that real high note.
You feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff.
Okay already, that’s enough.
Let’s switch you say, before you gag.
And what’s your revenge, your on your rag.

[magpie in the 80's]

A GIRL'S FIRST TIME:

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn YET most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

[magpie in the 80's]

This girl has been seeing MAL for a few weeks now - and has’nt had sex with him yet. The reason being, she’s nervous because she has’nt had a relationship OR sex for a couple of years.

She decides now is the time and as MAL'S bedding her down she asks " If I’m giving you my body, could I ask a little favour?
Please buy me a kitty - to show your appreciation, p-l-e-a-s-e ?" MAL decides awe, what the hell I’ll do it."

Afterwards, he goes to the store & comes back with not one, but SIX kittens. Stunned, she says "Well, I never knew I was THAT good to deserve six kittens.....I’m flattered."

MAL grabs his keys & as he starts out the door, pauses and says " Don’t flatter yourself lady, those 6 kittens are
pallbearers for that DEAD PUSSY OF YOURS!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day MAL and his father were talking about his son getting laid cuz he’s still a virgin. so MAL calls a hooker for him. MAL'S father says to his grand son "go and get some condoms so you dont get aids"

So MAL'S son goes to the chemist and a lady that works there said what size do you need. MAL'S son said i never needed them before. the lady said go out back and there's a fence with 3 holes. stick your dick in all 3 holes and pick the one you like the best. so MAL'S son starts to walk out back and the lady that works there runs out to the other side of the fence.

MAL'S son puts his dick in the first hole and she puts her mouth on his dick and the son say like "WOW." he then puts his dick in the second hole and she put's her ass on his dick and the son said "ALRIGHT." he takes his dick and puts it in the last hole and the lady puts her pussy on his dick and MAL'S son said "THAT'S THE SHIT I'M TALKING BOUT." he puts his dick away and starts to walk back inside the chemist.

The lady runs back and she asks MAL'S son if he had picked one?

MAL'S son said "**** THE CONDOMS.....JUST GIVE ME 3 FEET OF THAT FENCE!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 goes to a doctor for some consulting regarding a ’problem’ with his penis...

MT: Dr. I have a problem with my penis...
Dr.: Let’s have a look then...
MT: OK...but you have to promise not to laugh...
Dr.: Hey, c’mon...how bad can it be...
MT: PROMISE!!
Dr.: O Alright...

MT reveals his penis....and the Dr. starts cracking up laughing and laughing until his stomach starts acheing and adds...

Dr:...SIR!! IN MY ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL CAREER, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENIS THAT SMALL...I can’t even see the little fella...!!!!!

There before him was the tiniest penis he had ever seen...

MT, unsurprised waits for the doctor to settle down....

Dr.: My apologies....So...what seems to be the problem...
.
.
.
.
.
.
MT:"IT'S SWOLLEN!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL asks his friend BAYMAN cuz hes a ladies man how he satisfies women.

BAYMAN replies: "I just slam my penis on the dresser until it’s numb, then I can go for hours."

That night MAL slams his penis on the dresser while his wife’s in the bathroom.

She calls out, "BAYMAN IS THAT YOU!!!!"