BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Spargo]

Simon and his uncle were involved in a car crash. Simon's uncle was killed and Simon's legs were crushed and had to be amputated. However Simon's uncle's legs were unmarked so the doctors grafted his uncle's legs onto his stumps, but he had to learn to walk again. To while away the time during rehab, he learnt to play the guitar and sing. He became really good and started performing in pubs as Simon and Halfuncle.

[locky801]

I wish to live forever
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”
“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

[locky801]

A blonde woman was driving about two hours outside of San Diego when she noticed a man waving her down on the side of the road. His truck had broken down, and as she pulled over, he approached her car.
"Are you heading to San Diego?" he asked.
"Sure am!" she replied. "Do you need a ride?"
"Not for me," the man said. "I'll be here fixing my truck for a while. But I have two chimpanzees in the back, and they need to get to the San Diego Zoo. They're already stressed, and I don’t want them stuck on the road all day. Would you mind taking them for me? I'll even give you $200 for the trouble."
"Of course!" the blonde said cheerfully.
The man helped secure the two chimpanzees in her back seat, made sure they were comfortable, and sent them on their way.
Several hours later, as he finally made it into San Diego, the truck driver was stunned by what he saw—there was the blonde, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, while a crowd gathered around, laughing and snapping pictures.
Slamming on his brakes, he jumped out of his truck and ran up to her.
"What on earth are you doing?" he exclaimed. "I gave you $200 to take them to the zoo!"
"I did take them to the zoo," she said with a smile. "But we had some money left over, so now we're headed to SeaWorld!"

[locky801]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[locky801]

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

[locky801]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

[nwdfanparade]

joke.jpg (50.81 KiB) Viewed 2893 times

[locky801]

A young nurse is on her way to work. She is going to be late for her shift. She speeds up a bit . She comes over a hump back bridge. And there is a cop with the radar pointing at her. He flags her to pull to the curb.
They do the usual shit, and after the information bit, the cop asked her what she did at the hospital.
She replied I'm a theater nurse in ER.
Cop isn't happy, and presses her for more about her job.
She says I'm a rectal stretcher.
He looks at her, and asks what she means.
Well, I start off with one finger and lots of lube. Then 2 fingers. 3 and 4 go in easier, and then you tuck your thumb in, until you are up to your wrist.
The cop looks horrified!
She continued, saying that now she had more room she could start really stretching it.
She ends with both fists in his ass. Then she slowly starts twisting her fists, stretching it even further.
She says that once the asshole is 6 ft wide.
The cop was aghast! He asked what the hell they do with a 6ft asshole?
Put it at the end of a bridge with a radar gun!

[locky801]

I just saw on the news that they're suggesting that people check on the elderly
I'm usually up by 6 or 6:30.
Bring donuts.

[locky801]

Not a joke, this is actually true but found it funny

SHIT TOWN POWER RANKINGS (AUSTRALIA)
1. Melbourne, VIC - Neo-Nazi dickhead disrupts Anzac Day dawn service, drongos nationwide respond by getting mad at Indigenous culture; random **** allegedly knocks out 92-year-old woman on street
2. Townsville, QLD - Anzac Day parade diverted due to stolen car rampage; lunatic breaks into lesbian couple’s home to watch them root
3. Ipswich, QLD - Cops find 7-year-old girl crammed behind passenger seat of single cab ute; delivery driver allegedly delivers bag of shit to house after being sacked for stealing their order
4. Warrnambool, VIC - Naked gronk allegedly smashes up massage parlour, assaults woman and cops
5. Wollongong, NSW - Male barrister arrested twice for creeping around while wearing trench coat, pink bra and no pants
6. Perth, WA - Drongo drives off jetty while fleeing cops
7. Sydney, NSW - 2 gronks and 3 gronkettes charged after brawl at U7s footy game
8. Shepparton, VIC - Bungling burglar beaten by elderly woman with stick after getting stuck in window while breaking into house
9. Hobart, TAS - Feral teen charged after posting video of himself tearing up primary school field on dirt bike; Tasmaniac charged after allegedly ‘surfing’ on top of multiple buses
10. Port Pirie, SA - Still shit

[locky801]

As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

[locky801]

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

[locky801]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!