BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby OnSong » Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:29 pm

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas
fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later
he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives
another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,


Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now,
because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of
complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company
with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,


Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Right in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Wed Apr 09, 2014 11:10 pm

The AFL have gone too far with their constant rule changes. Now there are no scores recorded for junior matches to keep it a level playing field and to stop kids from being discouraged from the sport by the end result.

Why cant parents and the AFL see that if they want their young kids involved in footy without experiencing the feeling of winning, all they have to do is buy a membership with the Melbourne Demons.
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

HOGG Shield 2015 Division I Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2017 Premier League Premiers.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Apr 10, 2014 3:05 pm

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Phantom Gossiper » Thu Apr 10, 2014 4:24 pm

locky801 wrote:A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

What's she doing in a cocktail lounge then!?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:09 am

Confucius Say.

It's ok to let a fool kiss you,

but don't let a kiss fool you.




Confucius Say.

A kiss is just shopping upstairs

for downstairs merchandise.




Confucius Say.

It is better to lose a lover

than love a loser.




Confucius Say.

Man with a broken condom

is called a Daddy




Confucius Say.

A drunken man's words

are a sober man's thoughts.




Confucius Say.

Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in, you take it out,

and you lose interest.




Confucius Say.

Viagra is like Disneyland ...

a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.




Confucius Say.

It is much better to want the mate you do not have

than to have the mate you do not want.




Confucius Say. A joke is like sex.

Neither is any good if you don't get it.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:31 pm

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . .

Alive…!

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:38 am

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you
are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'


The wife replied, 'The ****' funeral director would be my first guess.'
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Apr 15, 2014 9:37 am

A surgeon went to check on his patient an Blacktown girl after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that - after having their tonsils out."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Tue Apr 15, 2014 9:52 am

Have you heard about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack

*********************************

How do you fit a hundred Pikachu's on a bus?

Poke 'em on

**********************************

Dad: I'm going to have to put down the family dog
Child: Why? Is he sick?
Dad: No, he's heavy.

*************************************

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.
I TOLD YOU SO

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Apr 15, 2014 11:12 am

Stop reading the possum pages!
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You must fight just to keep them alive...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Apr 21, 2014 2:17 pm

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Apr 23, 2014 9:49 am

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....

IDIOT SIGHTING.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Wed Apr 23, 2014 9:56 am

I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Tue Apr 29, 2014 10:21 am

Australian Rules Football Grand Final

Late in the game a controversial free kick was awarded to Phillip who scored a goal [the last of the match]
The umpire was Desmond
The opposition coach was Jacko

THAT free kick is still remembered to this day by all that saw the game
Players, officials, supporters and Jacko have found it hard to get over THAT umpiring boo boo

Jacko was on his death bed , Desmond visited
Jacko's mind flashing back to THAT free kick
Bloody ripped off he thought again

" Jacko Im really sorry bout THAT free kick ."
" Desmond, we can't change history , but there is something you can do for me."
" Anything Jacko, you name it."
" I would like you to stand for a minutes silence at my grave."
" I will mate, where will you be buried?''
" Hopefully at sea."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Phantom Gossiper » Tue Apr 29, 2014 10:30 am

HH3 wrote:I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.

:lol: Was just thinking the same! Still a good read :D
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Johno6 » Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:16 pm

Phantom Gossiper wrote:
HH3 wrote:I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.

:lol: Was just thinking the same! Still a good read :D



I might make up a heap of shit and put where they were from so they seem believable too
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:27 pm

Johno6 wrote:
Phantom Gossiper wrote:
HH3 wrote:I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.

:lol: Was just thinking the same! Still a good read :D



I might make up a heap of shit and put where they were from so they seem believable too

Make sure you include Munno on that list .
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Phantom Gossiper » Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:33 pm

Johno6 wrote:
Phantom Gossiper wrote:
HH3 wrote:I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.

:lol: Was just thinking the same! Still a good read :D



I might make up a heap of shit and put where they were from so they seem believable too

You'll get a job with the Advertiser in no time! :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:35 pm

Spargo wrote:
Johno6 wrote:
Phantom Gossiper wrote:
HH3 wrote:I didnt know there was an airport in Elizabeth.

:lol: Was just thinking the same! Still a good read :D



I might make up a heap of shit and put where they were from so they seem believable too

Make sure you include Munno on that list .


This happened at the Munno Marina
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue May 06, 2014 8:36 am

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.



“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday !!!!
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